looking for a driver

[surpriseitsclarence]

Subject: looking for a driver
Date: Feb 16th
Time: 1:09 AM
By: 002 - 0001

hey
pssst
you there

youre pretty lonely arent you?
thats why youre turning to the internet to drown out all those mean voices in your head
wouldnt it be nice if you had a voice OUTSIDE of your head?
one thats a little more friendly?

:)

my job means I get to visit bars all over this fine city of ours
places where the lighting is bad on purpose
(if you catch my drift)
the only problem is that Im not so good at driving

mind giving me a ride?
we can talk about all sorts of things
whether pigeons are getting bolder lately
what day of the week it feels like (it never feels right does it)
the crushing weight of existence and how sometimes it sits in your chest but other times it feels like sitting in a cold bath and one by one your body parts go numb until you wonder whether you ever had a body at all
taxes

so what are you waiting for?
give your new buddy clarence a call
see what happens next ;)

Comments

619 - 2113

[godfragment]

Is the thing about the pidgeons a real question anyone has ever asked?

002 - 0001

[surpriseitsclarence]

they SHOULD
why just the other day a pigeon came up to me and tried to eat a crumb off my shoe
can you believe it??

[godfragment]

They are somewhat disconcerting when they all descend at once.

[surpriseitsclarence]

dont tell me youre afraid of birds

909 – 1000

[smilefornow]

Is...is this a sex solicitation advert?

Because it very much sounds like a sex solicitation advert, and I think those sorts of things are supposed to go in the back pages of newspapers.

cw: eye horror

[surpriseitsclarence]

you know
if you type the words "sex solicitation advert" one more time you risk summoning the most pathetic, sexless demon known to man

(not to mention you risk me pulling these eyeballs out of their sockets)

[smilefornow]

Well, that sounds better than most demons.

But I'll take that as a 'no'. I wasn't trying to be rude. It's just rather oddly worded to be an advert for a driver.

[surpriseitsclarence]

what can I say
Im a rather odd guy

now
you gonna keep critiquing my words?
or are you gonna make yourself useful?

666-3473

[satanicpanics]

i think you might wanna consider some other topics of conversation dude
just a thought

[surpriseitsclarence]

okay smart-arse

I mean
ahem
okay new friend
what sorts of things should I talk about

[satanicpanics]

[ Little do they know, they're already "friends"... ]

uh huh
keep the names coming
i'm not offering a ride

pretty sure if i told you, that would be letting you copy my homework

[surpriseitsclarence]

nah
I dont need your advice
I am a DELIGHTFUL conversation partner
everyone likes talking to me

316 – 2222, re: looking for a driver

[crimebaby]

Are you okay?

[surpriseitsclarence]

thats funny
Ive got your phone number saved as "are you okay?"
cant be a coincidence can it?

[crimebaby]

I can't help that you post concerning things.... This looks like a cry for help.

[surpriseitsclarence]

whats an advert if not a cry for help loosely tied to the economy?

:)

[godjr]

Hi Clarence! How are you?

[surpriseitsclarence]

heyyyyyyyyyy you
(never did get your name did I)
oh you know
cant complain
:)

what about you
figure out the afterlife for this place yet?

[godjr]

It's Jack! Not yet. If it's anything like Heaven or Hell and I can't get to it though, it must be something else.

"places where the lighting is bad on purpose" what does that mean?

926 - 1995

[anelli]

Hello Clarence.
Do you want a ride?

(Assuming this is after their confrontation of course.)

[surpriseitsclarence]

uhhhhhhh
thats why I made this post isnt it??




the way youre typing isnt exactly reassuring

[anelli]

My apologies. Your ad got a little lost with the talks of pigeons and existential dread.
I would be happy to give you a ride.

1083 – 706

[deliverant]

how bad of a driver are we talking

also: there are plenty of bars within easy walking distance if you know where to look

[surpriseitsclarence]

no WAY
youre saying I can
WALK
to bars???

this is revolutionary!!
someone call the papers!!!!

listen pal if walking got me where I needed to be
do you think Id be on the internet?

[deliverant]

well, i never said it's more convenient than driving!

but speaking as a fellow lover of bars with questionable lighting, you should give it a try sometime. it might surprise you!